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Robert Weil Strauss III

Biography: A Brief History of Strauss Nation

-By Lord Robert Tolliver, Historian at large – specifically Oxford University

I first became fascinated with the Strauss family in the late 70s – such a strange group. Starting with such humble beginnings, rising to the very upper echelon of society, and yet in both locations on the social ladder maintaining an astounding tradition of both high class and violence – a prime subject for any biographical historian. Also, we were all on a lot of drugs. Ah, the days when PCP was first introduced to society… so many strange and wonderful things abounded… but I’m letting the subject at hand get away from me here.

About 5 months ago I was walking the fine beaches of Outer Banks North Carolina, when I heard a great ruckus arising from a nearby beach house titled Atlantis. As a naturally curious person, I deemed it worth investigating (the contents of my pipe may also have had something to do with this as well). I entered the house to find a great number of 18-21 year olds imbibing in various substances. Not at all a strange site, by any means, even if it was 1 o’clock in the afternoon. However, something struck me about one of the participants in a game of beer pong. The dark, cropped hair, the finely shaped nose, his sculpted features. This young man looked like a mirror image of the famous Lord Robert Weil Strauss I – the last and final ruler of the famed Strauss Nation. I had only seen paintings of the man, so I had to ask, “Had I truly by fortune entered into a party with one of the last remaining ancestors of the fabled Strauss lineage?” I asked a dashing young man named Steve if this was the case. This brilliant specimen of a man informed me “That’s team Poopybutt. They’re on a 25 game winning streak on the pong table.” That’s when I knew for sure that this young man was indeed a member of the Strauss family. After the streak finally ended with a young gentleman losing control and peeing on a doorway, I took the time to interview this member of the Strauss family: Lord Robert “Boo, Twinkletoes” Weil Strauss III. After an interview that featured a lot of “I dunno man, maybe we should do this another time,” “DID YOU SEE THAT GAME!” and “wait, who are you again?” I had received the necessary information to continue work on a new chapter of my book Stories of Strauss Nation: Tales of the Legendary Family of South Bavaria. However, before I left, young Twinkle Toes Strauss made a final request. His frisbee team required of him a short biography for the newfangled team website, and he wondered if I could provide a brief history of his family for the website. I pulled my pocket watch from my overcoat, deemed that I had enough time to pull together a rather shitastic blurb, and provided it for him. The contents of which you can read here:

The history of the Strauss family begins deep in the rolling hills of South Bavaria, with a farmer by the name of Bruno van Straussenheimer. In 1618, right about the time of the Defrenstration of Prague, Bruno had become quite well known for his plate tossing abilities. In the countryside of South Bavaria there was little else to do, but watch sheep, plow fields of dirt, and so the locals there would have contests to see who could throw random objects the furthest. One Marten van Richstein was popular for his ability to throw severed cow heads. Another, Pieter von Gingrich was well known for his ability to toss wives – something that led to numerous divorces, annulments, and eventually excommunication. However, Bruno took it upon himself to become the best thrower of plates in all South Bavaria. He won all tossing contests of random objects with ease. A simple flick of the wrist would send his plate flying over 70 yards, and the crowds (oh the crowds) into gasps of shock and amazement. When the Defrenstration occurred, and the 30 Years War occurred, it was a dark time for South Bavaria. Marauding knights pillaged the land, and soon bands of robbers moved into South Bavaria, raping and destroying as they pleased. However, Bruno and the local blacksmith would have none of this. Bruno ordered the town blacksmith to produce him numerous iron plates, with which Straussenheimer took to throw at the pernicious barbarian knights. 70 dead robbers later, the towns of South were freed, and Bruno was declared the leader of the small region, creating what he termed “Strauss Nation”.

Major: Economics/Psychology

Year: 2012

Nicknames: Boo, Twinkle Toes

Most Recent Celebrity Met: Vince Vaughn (V-Dubs)

Best Article Written About Bo: http://www.oberlinreview.org/article/locker-room-bo-strauss/

Favorite Throw: The Double Forehand

Favorite Drink: Hot Chocolate

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